I Have Returned and Blogfest of Death Entry

Wow.

I am toast. Not all crispy and buttery either. Burnt to a blackened brick.

I need a vacation to recover from my vacation and as I type this with fingers that resemble cocktail sausages from overuse (I won't get into what the rest of me looks like) I realized it's already the 18th and Tessa's Blogfest of Death is upon us!

I could have copped out and used something that I wrote ages ago that fit the bill but no- since this is likely the last 'fest I'll be doing (I will be blogging a lot- LOT less in future- one of the epiphanies I came to while in Epcot last week is I need to reallocate that time and eyesight for the most part) I wanted to do it right.

So I took something I loved but that had to be completely reworked- a scene from my first screenplay that was actually supposed to be a novel and will now likely end up being at some point.

The set up: a woman has been trying to get to know the cousin of one of her best friends- a guy visiting the US from Ireland- only he doesn't talk and no one will tell her why. This is a scene toward the end of the story- he's been observing her as well and they have obviously started to develop feelings for each other. He wakes from another nightmare and steps out onto the porch of their apartment building for some air and finds her there, and she finally confronts him about what happened to him back home.

I went over by I think about sixty words- forgive me- read what you want I couldn't pare it down any more.

Don't forget to stop by Tessa's blog to read her hilarious entry, and visit the other blogger's entries too.

Here's mine, such as it is.

This is what happens when you try to rework serious material when you still have "Yo ho, Yo ho, a Pirate's Life for Me" playing on a loop in your head.

~bru

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“Why did you give it up?” she asked. He waited for her to elaborate, gathering his thoughts, even though he knew exactly what she wanted to know. “Practicing medicine, I mean.”

He did not answer; only continued staring up at the sky, streaks of stars in black that felt as endless as the hole in his heart.

”C’mon, Tadgh I know you can talk. You gave that away already.” She watched as he shifted uncomfortably-- a victory considering that at any earlier point, he’d simply have walked away. “I want to help, if I can.”

Her kindness was too much. It felt too close to pity; though he knew her intentions were sincere. The affection in her eyes was impossible to take. He lashed out. “Another of your experiments, is it?

”What?”

”Is this another one of your experiments? Try to get the damaged Irishman to talk about his pain? Make the little Idealist feel all helpful and useful and fulfilled, will it?”

”How did you know I was-“

”An Idealist? I read the book, Lindy Moth. I’ve read your bloody book. The one that tells me all about myself but doesn’t give me a clue as to how to fix what’s wrong. You’re looking for happiness? Looking for love and joy in this life? Good luck with that, right? ‘Cause all I’ve seen is pain. Loss. Never being able to do enough. No matter what you do, is never ever...”

Tadgh rose and moved away. Moonlight filtered through the whispering foliage, shining down into the depths of his hollow, haunted eyes.

”I may not be an Idealist but I sure was idealistic enough, long ago. Had all these hopes. Go straight from medical school to an oncology residency at Our Lady. Was gonna help the little ones beat the ugliest disease known to man. Wanted to find...” his voice broke, trailing off.

He closed his eyes as he felt Lindy’s fine, gentle fingers grasp hold of his shoulder and slowly turn him around. His head bowed as her hand reached up to stroke his cheek.

“Find what, Tadgh?”

”Was gonna find the cure that they couldn’t find for my sister,” he whispered. “Was gonna save them all. One by one, I watched them die, just like Kelsey did. With their little pale hands, fingertips covered in chipped pink polish. Tiny beaded bracelets covering up some of the needle holes in their arms from all we inflicted on them in the attempt to save their lives. It was too much for me.”

She waited, knowing he’d continue when he was ready.

“I’d gone in early- had almost no sleep the night before. Too much on my mind. One specific patient, she had really gotten to me. She’d had a real rough patch but I was sure she was going to turn the corner, straight away.

“I came in, I picked up her chart and as I was about to walk into her room one of the nurses grabbed my sleeve, like you did, just before. Tried to tell me to wait. Tried to stop me going into that room unprepared, but I wasn’t listening. I just walked right in, and I saw--I saw her there, so cold, lifeless. So empty and still on that bed. Her parents were standing there so dignified, so sad, tears falling down their faces. I looked at that girl, Mary, and for a minute, I saw Kelsey instead, just as she looked when she died right before my eyes. God, I-I was just a boy.” He paused. “Do you know what Mary’s parents did?”

Lindy shook her head.

“They thanked me. They actually thanked me. Said they were grateful for all I’d done to try to save their only child. Said that Mary used to say she was gonna marry me when she grew up. That I was her,” his voice broke,“her hero.”

“That little girl knew that you loved her.” Lindy whispered.“That has to count for something.”

Tadgh raised his eyes back to Lindy’s now; the sudden, complete lack of emotion in him terrified her. He had gone completely numb.

“I stumbled out into the hallway, so they tell me because honestly I don’t remember. They say that I leaned to the wall then fell to the floor. I wasn’t responding, no matter what they did. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a hospital bed, shaking in a room so cold I thought I’d never feel warm again.” He shivered. “I never have.”

“Tadgh,”

“Love,” he spoke the word as a curse.“What good is love if you can’t keep the people you care about from dyin’, Lindy Moth? Answer that for me in your great Idealist, philosophical way. Tell me what there is in this world left livin’ for?”

”You couldn’t save all the children and so you won’t try to help any of them now? What sense is that? Giving something has to be better than giving up.”

”You’ve never looked into the eyes of a parent and told them there was nothin’ more you could do!” he shouted.“You’ve never stood by watching yet another child’s casket go into the unforgiving Earth and asked God why as people were shakin’ your hand and thankin’ you for all you’d done when you hadn’t done nearly enough.”

”You did all you could-“

”I couldn’t save them all!”

”There are still so many others you could help. You can’t just give up.”

”I can’t do it.”

”Oh, I see. You can’t. So, you stop talking. You look into the sky like there’s nothing there worth seeing. You can pretend that you’ve no more love to give, but I won’t ever believe it, Tadgh O’Connor. I saw you with that little boy who was hurt earlier today. You’d have died to save him.”

She brushed tears away from her cheeks with the back of her fist. Her words continued to hang in the silence.

His hand moved slowly upward. Just as he was about to touch the tracks of her tears he stopped himself and pulled away. ”I died a long time ago.”

She closed her eyes.

“Love,” he muttered as he turned back, his knuckles white as he yanked the handle of the door. “Love’s no bloody good at all.”