Milestones Blogfest: Shine a Brighter Light

Thank you to Donna for hosting this blogfest.

I’ve been debating posting something like this for awhile now. I know now, this is the day.

Be sure to stop by and check out her post and those of the other participants.

You know, I thought this would be an easy one when I first read the description. Then I saw the part about how your entry could be non-fiction…

I thought about all the different things I could post. Fiction pieces took the lead early but lost steam because even though there are pieces I love and that would be fun to post- right now, especially lately, ‘fun’ hasn’t exactly been my MO.

Most people would never know.

Take a look at this picture of me. Yes, I know my hair’s a mess- it was wet. Ignore that part.

(Note: Photo deleted 9/10 to respect the privacy of my family)

See anything there you recognize?

Maybe not.

It could be the vision loss, the blankness in my stare- helps hide it. That does detract from my ability to focus on a camera. I was sightless, except for light, color and motion when I snapped this picture. I always am now without heavy, and I mean heavy, correction (plus 15 to read- a little less for distance). Still, don’t get me wrong- it beats the living hell out of being blind all the time. That’s why the five surgeries last year were considered a success, even if not as successful as they hoped.

It’s not the visual impairment that I speak of now, though.

It’s something that is actually much darker than actual blindness alone could ever be on its own (I have been there, I know.)

Here’s a statistic for you: from NIMH.

Approximately 20.9 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a mood disorder.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I am one of them.

Heredity factors in. Perhaps having a creative mind does too- this article that I read on CNN last year intrigued me.

Whatever the reason, I have battled major depressive disorder since childhood. I wasn’t properly diagnosed until my early twenties. Different things have been tried for it, the trade-offs there are huge.

For me, there is no magic pill.

For me, this is not a one-time event or even a difficult, recurring phase.

This fight will be with me for the rest of my days.

If you’ve ever attempted to wrestle this vicious, dangerous animal, then you know how difficult it is. If you’ve ever loved someone who has, you’ve seen what it can do, too.

The past year has been the worst by far of all.

The anxiety that has been a constant companion to the depression kicked into overdrive after a series of very bad things happened. The least of those things was going blind- that's how bad these things were.

Of all the purely physical challenges I face- and they are what my doctors call a constellation (a lovely word for ugly things)- things I live with every single day- none is so difficult to coexist with as what I refer to as the darkness. This includes unrelenting, uncontrolled physical pain that has been with me literally all my life due to the genetic syndrome I was born with.

My earliest childhood memories are of being in pain.

I know what you’re thinking by this point- there was supposed to be a milestone here- that is what the blogfest is about. It’s here- I promise- stay with me.

I don’t want people to think that I’m looking for pity (God, that’s the last thing I want) or to bemoan my challenges- I know everyone has them and many have far worse than I have ever faced- even though believe me, what I’ve posted on this blog is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I do not feel sorry for myself. I don't want you to feel sorry for me either.

It’s that if the spirit of this blogfest is truly to share a milestone, this is the one that means the most to me.

I’m tired of pretending even just to myself, that I am living my life alone, on my own terms.

No. I renegotiate terms every damned day with this thing that has followed me as closely as my own shadow since I was too small to understand.

Some days, it comes out ahead. On the rarest of days, I do. Most days, I just put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can and hope at least, for a draw.

I’m ready to say that it’s an everyday fight, still, after so long a battle.

It’s almost August 1st, 2010 I am still alive. That is my milestone, and my victory.

It’s harder won than getting back my vision.

It’s more difficult than learning to do so many small things over, after the stroke I had more than a decade ago.

This is the war that is ongoing because you can’t for a second let your guard down.

This is not mind over matter.

This is not about keeping your chin up, learning to be an optimist, or cultivating a more positive attitude.

For some, like me, it’s a chronic condition- one that kills people by the thousands every year in this country alone and more worldwide.

It is a monster that feeds in the shadows, so I’m taking its cover away.

If you’re still reading this, please do me a favor.

If you or someone you know has ever been touched by this issue- leave a light on here, for me- for you- for all of us- by posting just one word in the comments section.

Just post the word candle and nothing more. You should even be able to do it anonymously. Of course you can say more- but if you don't know what to say, the one word is all I can ask for.

Shine a brighter light, with me, on this devious creature…expose it as the danger it is.

It’s always so much easier to fight what you can see than the unrelenting darkness.

~bru