Here's my entry for today's Rain Blogfest! Thank you to Christine H. at The Writer's Hole for hosting. Be sure to stop by and visit the other entries as well!
I'm well below the limit at 432 words, including the title. I wrote this piece just for this blogfest...something very different than how I usually handle weather. Hope you enjoy.
~bru
Leave a Message
10:02 AM
“Hi, this is Brady. I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now. Wait for the tone, or press one to leave a message.”
“Brady, I need to talk to you. Can you meet me for lunch?”
12:30 PM
“…Wait for the tone, or press one to leave a message.”
“Brady, I just got out of a meeting and they’re saying that cutbacks are coming. If you get this, call me back?”
2:30 PM
“…leave a message.”
“Why did you have to pick today to suddenly stop answering my calls on half a ring? The sky is getting ugly. I hope you’re not somewhere out in the rain. You like water about as much as Mr. Sprinkles does. Call me!”
2:47 PM
“Brady, this is not funny anymore.”
3:47 PM
“…leave-"
“Brady! Where the hell are you? My mother just called. Mr. Sprinkles died last night. I had that cat since I was eight years old. I-I…can’t even…call me back okay?”
4:10 PM
“..lea-"
“Brady! I swear to God, if you don’t call me back in two minutes I am never going to speak to you again. I’ve just had the worst day of my life, where are you? You’re supposed to be my best friend. My coworkers made me go home because I was just sitting at my desk blubbering like an idiot. It’s pouring. I’m soaked and cranky and I’m sure I’m coming down with pneumonia. I think I’m this close to losing my job, and my childhood pet just died. What on earth does a woman have to do to get a response from the person who is supposed to be the one who- oh, wait, I’ve got voicemail. I’m almost home, I should just get it when I get inside. It’s probably Smithers telling me to come clean out my desk in the morning, but what the hell. I’m cold, I’m wet, I may as well answer it now.“
4:12 PM
“You have one new voice message. To hear your message, press one. First new message:
“Lisa, it’s Brady. Look up.”
6:15 PM
“Mom? Mom! Pick up the phone! You’re never going to believe this…but…I got home from the worst day and, there he was, he was standing in the rain. He was waiting for me. He was dripping wet. He got down on one knee, Mom, and- who? Brady! Brady was waiting for me and…Mom, he was out of town today. He drove all the way out to his parents to get his grandmother’s ring. For me. Mom, we-- we’re getting married!”
~February Grace
I am so not the right person to comment on romance elements! I never even had a pet. I can't quite decide about having the whole thing play out over answering machine messages (I have never had an answering machine!); does it work or not? Out of context it is hard to say!
ReplyDeletehey Ted,
ReplyDeleteJust up for more medicine and trying to make time go by and decided to make sure the post posted and saw your comment- sorry you didn't 'get' the piece. It was something that just came to me- the idea of a flash story shown only in voicemails on cell phones until the end when the mother picks up the phone halfway through.
it wasn't taken from a larger work- it's just a short piece so sadly there's really no context to put it in lol. oh well, some experiments work, some maybe not so much.
anyway- since you didn't feel it, here's a look at what I was going to post originally before this came to me. Still romantic but you might like the imagery anyway. I wrote the following way back in what, December of 08...can't believe it's been that long.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It seemed to take every ounce of strength he had to do so, but he rose slowly to his feet and approached her.
He wrapped his arms around her and Liis simply seemed to vanish into them.
He struggled to speak, and finally succeeded. "Take care of yourself, Liis. Please."
There had been a change in the very physical atmosphere of the planet, Liis observed mournfully, becoming aware of the arrival of a soaking downpour as it began to pound against the roof of the house.
It was a sound perfectly suited to her sadness; the sound of the sky above Cork opening up, and weeping rain.
She bit her lip, looking up and watching the gathered storm move swiftly along the horizon.
The wind grew fierce and cold, so different from the gently falling night that had been so clear and bright with stars just hours ago. So many stars it had been impossible to count them all, as they lay wrapped in each other's arms after making love by the roaring waves of the sea.
Now all she could see standing between her and the velvet black to which she would soon return were deep, grieving clouds. Obscuring all celestial bodies. Overtaking firmamental hues of indigo and onyx and transforming them to a sorrowful shade of gunmetal gray; eerily bright, even in the midst of night.
~February Grace
Bru - I thought this was a really sweet piece. I was convinced that the ending would be as bleak as the rest, so I was very revelieved to find that Brady wasn't a jerk after all!
ReplyDeleteMore importantly - feel better soon! Nothing too serious, I hope? Make sure you are rested and back in shape before even thinking about blogging again!
Well this was different! The tension you weaved into your piece was really good. :]
ReplyDeleteWhoa.. I kind of sat at the edge of the chair..waiting to know what happened..to hear the next message !
ReplyDeleteJust one word to describe : Lovely !!!!!
Hi Bru,
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you're not feeling great at the mo.
Hope this cheers you up!
I loved the first snippet. The answerphone interaction was great - read read read to find out what was going to happen. OK, so the rain was a bit late showing up, but when it came it brought love along, too!
best
F
An intriguing approach, and it provides a very natural timeline for the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteBru, I love the mechanism of the answering machine and voicemails. It strips the story down to the bare bones expression of words, and I think that's really powerful for a story like this.
ReplyDeleteI kinda got a little lost on the last message and it took my a few re-reads to realize it was a happy ending not Lisa's *own* daughter marrying Brad out from under her as it were. But my reading comprehension on those sort of things is not the best. hahahaha
What I really liked in the story was the personalization. The voice isn't uber-thick, but it's clear and it's individualized. We're drawn into the middle of an establish life with pets and co-workers and other things that the MC talks about. We don't know details on them, but we don't have to because it's about the MC and not those peripherals and they exist to enrich our understanding of her, not to stand on their own.
Nicely done, Bru. I like it!
That was amazing! You had me riding on the rollercoaster with her. And then...oh it was just so perfect when he said look up. The fact that he was soaking wet was the best part. I'm just gushing over this scene. I have to read it again!
ReplyDeleteI like how you weave in so many complications into such a short piece. So much plot is happening offstage, which works well for building tension without expending a lot of words. And I'm a sucker for surprise happy endings. :-D
ReplyDeleteWow- I adore how you did this one! It was very entertaining, kept me very in the moment, Loved the answering machine to tell the story. what a unique piece thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteI was with you- I thought Brady was going to die like the cat..sooo glad he didn't : )
ReplyDeleteI adored this piece. It really kept me reading. I hope you feel better soon! Awesome job!
ReplyDeletei love it. i love how the emotion builds and builds with each message. the end gave me goosebumps.
ReplyDeletefeel better.
OMG that's so sweet and so realistic and wonderful and smooth and innovative in style and...*takes deep breath*
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT!!!!!
Nice work - quirky and fun and I don't care what genre you read or write, we're talking about the writing. Now, your second piece - I loved this as well. Both are very very different from on another. Good on you to have two very different voices. Versatile is good.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing both with us.
Feb, That's a cool piece! Well written, unique perspective, strong voice, concise, imaginative, an overall admirable piece of work. Certainly the most unique of the rainfests I've read today...
ReplyDelete- Eric
Great! I love an original approach, and this really worked. The ending was unexpectedly sweet, a surprising tonal shift that avoided being jarring. Well done.
ReplyDeleteNow that is truly unique!
ReplyDeleteI liked this device to deliver the story. Experimentation is so cool. And I'm very relieved that a day like that ended on quite an opposite note.
ReplyDelete(And feel better!)
That was fun. I liked the idea of finding out information this way. =D
ReplyDelete*snort* *ahhhhhh* ;-D I could so see this in movie form. It was perfect and I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteBru,
ReplyDeleteYou sneaky thing you. Sucked me right in...and then a happy ending to boot. Awww...
Hope you feel better!
Oh, I love the format of this and how you told the story!
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling better! :)
I liked this! It's reminiscent of The Boy Next Door by Meg Cabot... that entire book is written in email format. I definitely got what you were trying to do and I think you pulled it off pretty well. I like stories that make me smile.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteAwesome Bru. Totally unique perspective.
ReplyDeleteI'm worried about you. Are you feeling better?
......dhole
I love the story told in voice mail messages. Sort of Dangerous Liaisons-esque (yet completely different).
ReplyDeleteThe rain just helped paint the miserable picture.
Excellent blog, as always.
Sorry to hear you're sick. This excuses you from having your Word Painting blog up. :)
Oh my gosh, I loved it, loved it, loved it! Really poignant. Thanks so much for participating!!!
ReplyDelete