Where Haven't I Been

If it truly was possible to fall off the face of the earth, I would have found a way to do it in the past few months.

In July, I spent a great deal of time hovering above it.

The death of my new life came disguised as dawn: a deceptively beautiful sky

Up so high, out so far over the ocean and yet, never quite able to finally touch the stars.

You won't believe where I've been.

You won't believe where I am.

You won't believe what it's all come to.

Long story short: too many miles traveled but still such a long way to go.

I haven't been able to write.

Or paint.

Or do anything creative at all.

For months.

Until the past two weeks, and it's only tiny steps I'm managing now.

That's why my posts here will be short and my goal is to write something every day, even if only one line on Twitter which, you know I had not enjoyed before but right now, even 140 characters is daunting and they tell me I have to begin somewhere.

So, I begin there. Then hopefully I can begin to explain it all here, in time.

I've missed you. All of you. Thought about you more than you know.

Special thanks to the handful who missed me too (you know who you are- thank you for the emails, I only recently saw them and I promise to send notes back even if I can only manage a line or two.)

I won't forget who remembered.

I won't forget who would have taken note if I had just dissolved away entirely.

I very nearly did, and now I finally know why. It's a lot to take in, and I am still learning how to do that.

Yet, I'm still alive. That, my friends, is both the victory and the daily battle.

Mentally, this is where I've been for a very long time:

It's the first thing I'd put any soul into drawing in a very long time.

It gave a lot of people a lot of insight, including myself, into what I'm really up against. The right people; people who have, and who will, help me find a way to resurrect the dream of that new life. Everything will change- everything must change- in most ways, everything already has.

It's harder to fight an enemy you can't see.

At least now I know where to aim the blows of my sword.

I find myself thinking of that ancient saying I've always loved: "Either with your shield, or on it."