Me: Please, I need help. Group. Meds change. Something.
Therapist1: You’re not suicidal, February, you’re up and dressed. Write in your gratitude journal. Do your breathing exercises.
Hours before my next appointment, she cancelled.
Seems she can’t take Medicare patients, after all...
If it happened anything like that you are better off without that therapist!
ReplyDeleteFirst rule is you are never dismissive of anyone who says they are suicidal!
Thanks for another heart-felt post
Al, thank YOU so much for reading and for your thoughtful response.
ReplyDeleteIt went exactly that way and believe me, I could have written 42000 words of other similar things this therapist said to me in the six weeks I saw her regularly.
I had seen her twice before that when she conducted a Group session as part of the two week day-program I was in, in August.
I liked her then but she wasn't supposed to be my long-term therapist. She took me on, on a day when I showed up to see the woman I was assigned to (and had to hire a car to take me, and it's expensive) only to find that she wasn't there.
The office said they'd left me a message- but I have no voicemail on my home phone--I had been home all day the days before and that morning, an I verified with caller ID that no one from there had called either home or cell.
So, my now ex-therapist was available that day and kindly willing to take me on but as we got into one on one sessions it was clear she just wasn't getting it- or me- or how my disorders complicate each other.
I kept trying to explain I am a grateful person- that I do count my blessings every day. That you don't go blind, get partial sight back, still have limited use of it and have to spend parts of every day still legally blind when you can't wear correction without being grateful for what you have. You don't survive 15 surgeries and a life-threatening infection in 22 months time without being an extremely grateful person.
But everybody has their limits.
I remember telling her the week before that last fateful phone call how bad I felt (and I know it's not easy for people to read this- it's not easy to be this 'out there' either, but I hope maybe it might help someone, somewhere along the way) and how I'd given up on trying to find a medical doctor who would really work to help solve the root cause of my serious chronic anemia (which is enough to make anyone depressed to begin with- so tired all the time, beyond exhaustion.)
When I said to her, point blank: "I've just given up." she said, and she was being completely serious:
"Wonderful! You've reached that unconditional, total acceptance we talked about!" (and she wanted me reading Ekhart Tolle- which I had done years ago and tried again just cause she said to- but his philosophy just doesn't work for me.)
"No, um, that's not it at all," I said. "I've just realized it's completely hopeless and given up."
She actually replied: "Is that such a bad thing?"
Now, I think a bipolar patient still in a mixed state, feeling trapped, hopeless, and desperate are all very bad things.
Fortunately, my new therapist agrees and is trying to get me much more helpful support.
She actually apologized to me on behalf of her profession, even though she had nothing to do with what had happened- with how I'd been treated at the other place...
In addition to the musical therapist situation at the first place, I'd been on the cancellation waiting list to see the psychiatrist for three weeks- and nothing.
ReplyDeleteI asked for more group time- which my insurance should even cover- they continually ignored my requests. I said I was getting worse- way worse-and she said the words I put in the original post.
Here I was- just weeks after being dx'd bipolar with at least two other comorbid anxiety/panic conditions after 20 years with the wrong label (a major depression dx) and the psychiatrist decides he doesn't need to see me for three months.
I felt like I'd been sent to sea in a dinghy before ever learning to tie a sailor's knot.
Unfortunately/Fortunately I can't keep seeing Dr. Unreachable now that I don't have a therapist at that facility- and I am hoping the new doctor I will see late this week will also be a blessing in disguise (will take any and all good thoughts please...)
I saw an amazing new therapist once already (the therapist who dumped me didn't even see to it that a follow up with the next person at their office was established- she just said "I can't see you anymore." and literally ended the conversation with "But I'm sure I'll see you around." Then the office staff said they couldn't get me in to see anyone for weeks...
I was rendered speechless.
But my body had a mind of its own and DID react and tomorrow I'll post in 42 words what happened within an hour of my unceremonious, utterly unprofessional dumping by my now ex-therapist.
Only trouble is this new facility is farther away and getting back and forth is going to cost us a fortune being I can't drive and we have no public transportation here to speak of- but not going is not an option right now. We'll have to make it work...
thanks, so much, for reading and responding, means more than I can say.
And sorry for the long response- I kind of felt that anyone kind enough to comment on that deserved the rest of the story.
~bru
Well that is really crappy of her!
ReplyDeleteglad she won't be "helping" you anymore. you don't need that kind of help.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, and I'm sorry that this isn't a more positive comment, that I have a very dim view of the therapist profession. I have a degree in psychology, and part of that view developed in my psychology classes, so it's not uninformed. Yes, I know there are some good therapists out there, but therapists should be like teachers should be. Unfortunately, neither profession lives up to what they're supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Alex, I thought she at least could have had me set up with the next therapist (I mean there are literally dozens of them at this particular facility) before she said at the end of the call (literally) "I'm sure I'll see you around." and then I just said "okay..." said goodbye, then hung up.
ReplyDeleteMy new (and much more experienced) therapist already has done more for me in 90 minutes than the other one did in 6 weeks so hopefully my work with her there will be effective, and temporary...I do not want to be at this forever. it's exhausting. Thanks for stopping by (I've started reading Cassastar, by the way- at last! I have a terrible time focusing on reading right now, but I'm working on it and loved the opening sequence!)
Thanks Michelle, your comment makes me think of the line from the Shel Silverstein poem about the kind of 'help we can all do without.'! Hope you're having a good week.
Andrew, I totally hear you. I had mixed experiences with therapy in the past (in my 20's) all that Bradshaw/inner child work didn't work for me, but I did make peace with a lot of things from my childhood then. Now I'm trying to be focused on some sort of future, trying to figure out what we have to do to try to balance me out a bit, but honestly,
I am really only seeing the therapist privately (as opposed to also in Group as I was, it was actually really helpful for two weeks I was in it every day) because they require it to see the psychiatrist. But get this. Medicare prohibits you from seeing your therapist and psychiatrist on the same day, therefore I have to make two long expensive trips to the facility on different days this week to see them both. It's the stupidist thing I can imagine, I just do not get it.
Above all I think that's pretty ridiculous if someone has a medical diagnosis of a brain condition like bipolar one (and a mixed menu of other issues on the side) like I do to require therapy after a time- talking after awhile isn't going to do it if medical management is what you really need to function. Tell you the truth, more and more I think about just chucking the whole scene...but I know where I was in August and I know I can't go back there. Too dark a place to survive.
As ever, you know your input fascinates me because of your experience/educational background. Thanks for weighing in (sorry if this comment seems scattered having a really hard time focusing today...)
~bru
Wow. If she really believed in her work she would have seen you anyway for free. The nerve.
ReplyDelete