…because I promised him that I would be okay if he hung up and went to sleep.

Isolated.


Empty.


Useless.


A liability to everyone in my life.

That is the actual running list going through my head right now of what I amount to in this world.

That’s where I’m at right now, in this moment on a day when I’m doing absolutely anything I can to pass the time including saying this publicly because I promised someone very dear to me that I’d do whatever it took to get through the day here, while it’s very late at night where he is.

Whatever it took. Even writing a stupid blog post.

So I’m doing it- including going over 42 words for the first time since my experiment started. But I warned you it’d happen sometimes. And hey, I’m only about 12x over, so what the hell…

Why is today any different than any other?

Today is the day I wanted to take a razorblade to every painting I’ve ever done.

Today is a day when even more destructive thoughts have turned inward on me with a more frightening power than at any time I can remember before it.

What have I become?


What the hell am I doing with my life- when not a damn thing I do matters and no matter where I go from here, no matter what choices I make, someone I love will feel hurt?

Not even the things I thought mattered matter to me now.

Here’s just one insignificant, ridiculous example—a tiny keyhole into the much larger mess that is my soul.

It’s day one of the closest thing I have personally to a religious holiday (Nanowrimo) and where was I at 12:01 am?

Not clacking away at the keys as I have been every year since my first Nano back in ’08.

No. I was in bed.

At night.

ASLEEP.

On the first night of Nano.

Though it’s really more appropriate to say that I was ‘knocked out cold’ because I don’t think the dosing on the new medication regimen is working for me (because following it repeatedly ends up in me being knocked out cold) and so I’m opting to go to new shrinkdoc’s plan B option starting tonight. We’ll see how that works.

So.

How are you?

I know the answer for some of you is that today you’re in about the same place mentally as I am. Sorry to hear it. As the band James once sang, “Sit down next to me…”

For others there’s that adrenaline rush of Day One going on and I say yay and more power to ya- wish I felt it and who knows maybe it’ll still hit me somehow (and don’t worry non-nanoers I don’t plan to Nanoblog here if I do end up doing the Rebel thing as I’d planned this year for the first time (no shiny purple line or winner’s badge if I finish but I just need to get myself writing- anything- somehow, and this is my last ditch chance or else I finally have to accept that for me being a writer really is over.) I have another blog to do that on and I will utilize it if the mood strikes. So this will be the only mention of it here until it’s over (or at all should I decide to just forget it this year.)

So, I’ve made ten minutes go by, typing this.

Only twelve hours and thirty-four minutes until tomorrow.

Oh, and one more thing before I go- this is for you, Jules:

The Darth Vader coffeemaker does make hissing noises- it is NOT the caffeine, the bipolar, or anything else talking there- it DOES, and proof is showing here (and doesn’t it look all sweet and normal when it’s closed up! But we all know what it looks like when the lid is lifted…I swear, this video clip has not been tweaked or enhanced in any way- it really sounds like this.)