I’m not sure where to begin, because I don’t want to get into too much detail, but suffice it to say I’ve been absent online (and from my own life, as a matter of fact) for a while now due to new chronic illnesses that have decided to visit themselves upon me.
An ER trip, tests, specialists, more tests, primary care doctor, more tests. Regular visits with my mental health professionals in there somewhere, too, and emails in between to ask them about tweaking meds to work with other new meds I’m taking (for the new conditions.)
Sometimes I feel I’ve been reduced to an entry in a medical journal, or that I am condemned to live in a never-ending episode of House.
But I don’t feel sorry for myself, let’s get that straight right now. There are others so much worse off. What I have won’t kill me, though it might make me feel like I’ve been flattened by a linebacker.
All this has been keeping me awake at night or interrupting my sleep, and that makes sleeping when I can, often during daytime naps now, absolutely necessary. I sleep at odd times, and have to be careful to keep track of the schedule all my medications are supposed to be taken on.
Being ill is a full time job.
It’s not one I applied for, and one I dearly wish I could quit. But since I can’t, I just have to muddle through everything as best I can from moment to moment.
So if it seems like I don’t care or haven’t noticed that your book launched recently or I didn’t attend your Twitter chat as I usually would, please don’t think I’ve forgotten you.
I’m trying right now just to eat a little, stay hydrated, and hold my head up a bit longer each day before I have to go back to bed. This is not depression sleepiness, this feels more like flu-related exhaustion (though it’s not.)
I don’t know how much better I’ll get and I don’t know when. I know that I have a whole new rulebook to live by, with these new conditions that won’t kill me but have robbed me of what little energy I had (which wasn't much, granted) and my ability to think.
I feel I’m missing out on so much. I received the loveliest invitation to participate in submitting an entry for a creative endeavor that is being put together based upon a popular Twitter hashtag I like to participate in, but I lack the ability to connect my thoughts.
All I can think of is “Water, sleep, meds. Repeat.”
No comments are necessary on this post, I just needed to explain why my paints sit untouched, no words have been forthcoming from my keyboard, and I’ve been a ghost of my online and offline self. I am scanning, I am noticing what you all do, I am cheering you on as I’m able.
I’m also waiting for new marketing plans to take hold for Wishing Cross Station so we can try to better get the word out about it (Fair warning: If you want to get the ebook for Nook or iTunes, don’t delay. Soon it will be Amazon exclusive for some time.)
I’m waiting to go for more tests, more doctors’ visits, more counseling from the wise to try to help me cope with all of this.
It’s all about finding my way back to some quality of life; and I really hope that I can. That is the goal, management, because there is no cure.
Sending love to you all.