Yes, my friends, it's been an interesting week, and I mean that in the Chinese curse sort of way. Here's the short version.
A week ago Tuesday I woke with a massive migraine (I've had them since I was a kid- I can still tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing when the first one hit) only in addition to that, I woke up to an unsettling discovery.
I put on my glasses and, looking up I thought, "Hmm. I have to put on my glasses.
"Wait a minute..."
At first I was worried it was an acute thing (they've taught me to immediately think 'retina' and it was a long night waiting to see the specialist in the morning...) but it turns out it was just the day that something that had literally been creeping up on my sight for awhile hit the point where it obstructed things in the right eye to the point it seemed sudden- a huge overnight change, literally.
Right now it's like trying to see the world through a dirty fish tank in one eye- tiny little fishies and bits of their food all swirling around in murky water- while simultaneously dealing with the worst windshield glare you've ever faced in your life. The distortion on the right actually has a negative impact on the left eye and I just can't focus on anything.
So...there were two options. Live with the loss- or not.
I'm choosing 'not' because I'm lucky enough to have one of the best retina surgeons in the country willing to do the procedure(s). He'll remove the empty lens capsule that has gone all wonky ("causing mischief," as he put it) which another surgeon left in after the last surgery (she was understandably conservative at the time) and also remove the vitreous.
But it's already been done before on the left...so it is what it is. I'm just trying not to think about the fact they're not planning to use general on me this time- they promised me the 'good drugs' so I won't, hopefully, remember it this time. I remember four of my five past eye surgeries- including all the moments when things went terribly wrong- and that is something I would really like to avoid in future.
Oh, and good news on the left eye. Since they can now see that it appears there is no vitreous left at all after the past surgery, there is no longer the danger/worry of it separating and tearing my retina on that side- which is huge news and a big relief.
Surgery is set for next week, if I don't get bumped (and I might, if I do then it's mid-March. Let's hope not...) I'm anxious to get it over with because while it's risky, the potential benefits- they say they should be able to bring the right eye into line with the left for clarity- would be beyond my wildest dreams after having lost my sight entirely a few years ago and then losing again so much of what I'd regained on the right in December of 09.
Even if I can only stand to wear the heavy correction part of the day as has always been the case, the hours that I can use my vision (to those of you new to our audience, I have no lenses in my eyes and so will always be legally blind without the super-special-six-weeks-to-make glasses that weigh a ton and make me look like a Powerpuff Girl) will be much better.
The names for things they're tossing around..."Weiss ring"..."Elschnig pearls 360 degrees around" (in addition to the ugly other stuff going on)...it sounds like a perverted sort of jewelry collection in there but again, all boils down to dirty fish tank vision that won't focus so reading/writing more than a few minutes at a time is pretty much not happening until after I recover from this.
Imagine- even if I hold perfectly still, there are huge, constant, floating obstructions and murky film in front of my eye. When I blink, everything in there gets moved around again- even if I hold still. Even if I don't breathe. It's like living in a snow globe filled with pepper and cobwebs. I also keep scaring myself because when stuff moves out of the corner of my field of vision I think something/someone is sneaking up on me.
Now imagine why it's taking me so long to finish and revise Godspeed...
Add to that a lot of serious upheaval at home (which I'm not quite ready to write about yet but I'm sure will have to eventually) and it's a rough time at the moment.
Still, this morning, when I woke up and realized that I'd faced something (family related) yesterday that I didn't think I could get through and I'm still here, I started to wonder...what can I do that I want to do if I really commit my whole heart to it?
I think it's time for me to find out.
Think good thoughts for me, please?
I'm sending them all out to you, as well.
And soon as I'm better, I hope to get to some of that backlog of posts. Melissa Kline suggested awhile back it'd be fun if people posted pics of what their childhood book shelf looked like- I want to do that. I want to catch up on what you guys are up to. And you know you want to hear how my day singing at the American Idol Experience in Walt Disney World effected my outlook on writing, don't you? (come on, you know you do. Just a little bit.)
I will, though, if nothing else post another little snippet from Godspeed for you all before my surgery to thank you for all your kind notes, FB messages and all. Or at least I hope it'll be thanks, I guess that depends upon if it's good or not eh? *laugh*.
Hang in there, you guys. I'm trying to. I find myself thinking of a quote from Yeats today, thinking of you all: "And say my glory was I had such friends."
I am so grateful, for every one of you.
P.S. sorry if you get this twice in a reader due to my re-posting- someday I will learn to spell the names of the guys who discovered originally what is wrong with my freakin' vision. Elschnig. That is a doozy.