Eye Surgery Episode Six "Use the Force, Doc!" On The Near Horizon

Or: So many words, so little sight.

Yes, my friends, it's been an interesting week, and I mean that in the Chinese curse sort of way. Here's the short version.

A week ago Tuesday I woke with a massive migraine (I've had them since I was a kid- I can still tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing when the first one hit) only in addition to that, I woke up to an unsettling discovery.

I put on my glasses and, looking up I thought, "Hmm. I have to put on my glasses.

"Wait a minute..."

At first I was worried it was an acute thing (they've taught me to immediately think 'retina' and it was a long night waiting to see the specialist in the morning...) but it turns out it was just the day that something that had literally been creeping up on my sight for awhile hit the point where it obstructed things in the right eye to the point it seemed sudden- a huge overnight change, literally.

Right now it's like trying to see the world through a dirty fish tank in one eye- tiny little fishies and bits of their food all swirling around in murky water- while simultaneously dealing with the worst windshield glare you've ever faced in your life. The distortion on the right actually has a negative impact on the left eye and I just can't focus on anything.

So...there were two options. Live with the loss- or not.

I'm choosing 'not' because I'm lucky enough to have one of the best retina surgeons in the country willing to do the procedure(s). He'll remove the empty lens capsule that has gone all wonky ("causing mischief," as he put it) which another surgeon left in after the last surgery (she was understandably conservative at the time) and also remove the vitreous.

"Yeah, um, you're gonna do what?"

Yikes.

But it's already been done before on the left...so it is what it is. I'm just trying not to think about the fact they're not planning to use general on me this time- they promised me the 'good drugs' so I won't, hopefully, remember it this time. I remember four of my five past eye surgeries- including all the moments when things went terribly wrong- and that is something I would really like to avoid in future.

Oh, and good news on the left eye. Since they can now see that it appears there is no vitreous left at all after the past surgery, there is no longer the danger/worry of it separating and tearing my retina on that side- which is huge news and a big relief.

Surgery is set for next week, if I don't get bumped (and I might, if I do then it's mid-March. Let's hope not...) I'm anxious to get it over with because while it's risky, the potential benefits- they say they should be able to bring the right eye into line with the left for clarity- would be beyond my wildest dreams after having lost my sight entirely a few years ago and then losing again so much of what I'd regained on the right in December of 09.

Even if I can only stand to wear the heavy correction part of the day as has always been the case, the hours that I can use my vision (to those of you new to our audience, I have no lenses in my eyes and so will always be legally blind without the super-special-six-weeks-to-make glasses that weigh a ton and make me look like a Powerpuff Girl) will be much better.

The names for things they're tossing around..."Weiss ring"..."Elschnig pearls 360 degrees around" (in addition to the ugly other stuff going on)...it sounds like a perverted sort of jewelry collection in there but again, all boils down to dirty fish tank vision that won't focus so reading/writing more than a few minutes at a time is pretty much not happening until after I recover from this.

Imagine- even if I hold perfectly still, there are huge, constant, floating obstructions and murky film in front of my eye. When I blink, everything in there gets moved around again- even if I hold still. Even if I don't breathe. It's like living in a snow globe filled with pepper and cobwebs. I also keep scaring myself because when stuff moves out of the corner of my field of vision I think something/someone is sneaking up on me.

Now imagine why it's taking me so long to finish and revise Godspeed...

Add to that a lot of serious upheaval at home (which I'm not quite ready to write about yet but I'm sure will have to eventually) and it's a rough time at the moment.

Still, this morning, when I woke up and realized that I'd faced something (family related) yesterday that I didn't think I could get through and I'm still here, I started to wonder...what can I do that I want to do if I really commit my whole heart to it?

I think it's time for me to find out.

Think good thoughts for me, please?

I'm sending them all out to you, as well.

And soon as I'm better, I hope to get to some of that backlog of posts. Melissa Kline suggested awhile back it'd be fun if people posted pics of what their childhood book shelf looked like- I want to do that. I want to catch up on what you guys are up to. And you know you want to hear how my day singing at the American Idol Experience in Walt Disney World effected my outlook on writing, don't you? (come on, you know you do. Just a little bit.)

I will, though, if nothing else post another little snippet from Godspeed for you all before my surgery to thank you for all your kind notes, FB messages and all. Or at least I hope it'll be thanks, I guess that depends upon if it's good or not eh? *laugh*.

Hang in there, you guys. I'm trying to. I find myself thinking of a quote from Yeats today, thinking of you all: "And say my glory was I had such friends."

I am so grateful, for every one of you.

xoxo
~bru

P.S. sorry if you get this twice in a reader due to my re-posting- someday I will learn to spell the names of the guys who discovered originally what is wrong with my freakin' vision. Elschnig. That is a doozy.

Look over there!

Hi everybody!

I've been invited to make an appearance over at Appalachian Morning, the incredibly cool art blog of Janice Phelps Williams!

There's a bit of my writing over there in a format I haven't posted here (well, aside from a line or two...) so I hope you'll be curious enough to click over and check it out! Come on, you know you want to know what it is.

Once you're there have a good look around- there is so much there, it's really a gift: not just of amazing works of Janice's art and writing but also real life stories she so generously shares. Her witty and wise voice provides us all a glimpse into the brilliant, funny, incredible person that she is and I for one can't get enough. Her series on creativity and coping with pain has been such a blessing for me and part three will post soon! So stay tuned for that. Thank you again Janice for all of your support and enthusiasm and especially for being such a great new friend!

See you guys there. No, seriously. I'm counting on you. Just do it, please, click here. Don't make me throw Twinkies at you.

...and I will be back hopefully tomorrow to thank some folks who have given me sweet blog awards I NEED to acknowledge- including one, I am so sad to say, was given last year while I was really sick and I didn't get to put up yet (I am so, so sorry...)

Thing is, for one of these (that I was given twice as it happens within days, so kind!) I have no idea what to put up for this 'seven things about you thing' I'm supposed to fill in...have you guys got questions for me?

If so, leave them in comments and I'll give them a go (though I do reserve the right to say 'no comment!' especially if you ask me about my sugar cookie and/or Ding Dong consumption. I can quit any time I want...)

Happy Thursday, everyone! How's your day so far?

xoxo
~bru

Bringing Home Souvenirs From Our Fictional Worlds

Hey all!

I want to start by saying thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and encouraging while so much stuff has been going on here. Health stuff (I'm healing, making progress, feeling the love, thank you so much!) and offline non-writing stuff I can't really talk about- a LOT of stress right now- but just know that I appreciate all your good thoughts now more than ever. So thanks for those and please keep them coming.

Fun fact: Stephanie over at Scribbler to Scribe pointed out it's Jules Verne's b-day today, and so in honor of the great-grandfather of Steampunk I'm going to post a few more little peeks into my current WIP starring one Dr. Quinn Godspeed, which I am so excited about I can hardly stand it (and your excitement fuels me too, so thank you for the amazing response!)

I loved writing my other novels but this book, THIS book is so important to me on so many levels I can't explain it. More on that world in a second.

First, tell me, have you ever brought home, or created, a tangible souvenir from your fictional world?

If you know me at all (and a few of you are laughing now because you know me scary well...) wanting little things to remind me of stories I loved started in childhood (My parents would bring me tiny jars of Marmalade from hotel room service on trips they'd take, for my Paddington bear...) and carried over into stories I wrote.

It really took on a life of its own about 14 years ago when I first started writing certain characters on a regular basis. I've drawn my characters (recently trying again though remember when you see what follows I never went to art school and I AM visually impaired. . .) written poetry about them or 'by' them, created journals that I realize now could be considered sort of 'series bibles' ...all of the things that so many writers do.

I hadn't thought of them by the term 'props' until I posted a pic on Facebook of a coffee mug I said 'belongs' to my sci-fi Captain character (running strong since 1998, woo hoo!) and very cool and talented author Melissa Kline replied that she has done this kind of thing for years too and sent me a link to a post she wrote last year where she displayed the INCREDIBLE miniature rooms she created from scratch to draw on for her characters.

I thought I was the only person who did this to such extremes (though I'm too blind to do anything that amazing in miniature!) She's also done full scale costumes, drawings, taken photos...made jewelry...you get the picture, so check her out.

I hadn't seen any of this when I was working on the globe that I imagined on the desk of Quinn Godspeed but I smiled when I saw it- because in Melissa's creativity, I saw the spark that I feel when I hold something in my hands that represents a character to me (that's why you see so much stuff around my house that says "O'Sullivan" on it though I am not, in fact, Irish- no such item is more important to me than the ring I'm wearing in my FB profile pic.)

From creating entirely character based music compilations (which a lot of writers do even if not the rest of this stuff, and I even had to write about Emily, an aspiring writer, doing in Fireworks Flowers for her characters...) to painting a 'stained glass window' to represent Keiran based upon the color scheme of the stained glass in the church in his hometown in Cork...I've done a lot of creative projects related to my writing that are not actual writing.

I don't still think of them as props, though. I think of them as souvenirs from a world that I, and a few people who've read the stories, have visited and long to return to.

Here are a few snapshots behind the scenes in my head. Be warned, 'tis a scary place.

A doll remade into my swashbuckling, time-travelling Bajoran Temporal Investigations agent turned Starfleet captain, (written in my online group for fun) Liis

A couple more shots of Quinn's globe. I actually painted the full moon while looking at the real night sky, you can't make out the wispy white clouds very well but the effect in person is cool. Beneath, streaking meteors are a tribute to my mad love for the Perseids. Also, my logo for the story, the clockwork heart itself, as I imagine the exterior of the necklace might look.

Finally, a couple (first draft) sketches of Quinn Godspeed as he's dressed when he makes his entrance, and also of Schuyler Algernon, a pivotal character to the story.

Quinn is the very image of new-romantic, steampunk Victorian chic in his long waistcoat and fob watch...

Schuyler is as colorful as his clothes: proprietor of Ruby Road Art and Antiquities, a shop which is, of course, more than it seems. Sketches of some of the female characters are coming soon.

So, tell me, what about you? Any art projects to share? Links, people! Show your stuff!

Coming soon by popular demand...another excerpt from The Clockwork Heart of Dr. Quinn Godspeed, so stay tuned.

xoxo
~bru

Life in Technicolor is more than just a fabulous Coldplay song...

...or, why I appreciate my senses more now than I ever have.

To put it in another musical frame of reference: "You don’t know what you got 'til it’s gone," well, at least if you believe that old hair-metal classic ballad by Cinderella (and am I dating myself much? Oh yeah.)

It’s really true with our senses, though. How many of us really think about our sense of smell (well unless we are the unlucky one on diaper duty?) then we may wish it was gone for a little while but let me tell you- when you lose it or worse- when it’s mutated into an internalized weapon of mass disgusting (it’s a phrase now) you really miss it working properly.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how losing and regaining limited and altered--or in the case of colors, heightened--vision has affected me and blogged a bit about that.

I’ve mentioned how much I fear losing my hearing and denied that I had lost some of it over the summer until it came back (reading Stephen Parrish’s post that I mentioned awhile back, and which is discussed on Janice Phelps William’s art blog Appalachian Morning today in a great post about "Serendipity and Social Networking", (this blog is always a great read, by the way, if you haven’t checked it out…) it really hit me again how even people who have been in good health can catch a virus and suddenly find themselves fighting to get their hearing back (hoping its all back soon, Stephen…)

Stephen's post led me to thinking about all my senses again- and I remembered that along with my hearing, when I was so sick last year taste and smell were both profoundly changed/mutated/lost for months (and at times like today post-op they still are) and how much more I appreciate them now when they work.

Roses smell even more amazing. As does coffee. And coffee tastes like coffee again which, if you know me, is a cause for celebration on an Ewok-village style level. (To paraphrase Doctor Who: "Have you met the Ewoks? My gggggod, those teddy bears know how to party!")

When food doesn't taste like food- when it tastes and smells like garbage, literally- you just don't want to eat, even if you can.

Perhaps hardest to accept of all, I’ve realized that touch has, all my life, and even more now, always been mutated to me as well. Due to chronic pain, being touched is always painful for me. Even the sweetest hug can, if pressure is applied the wrong way, cause me untold agony. But would I ever give them up?

No way.

There are some things in life worth fighting for- no matter how hard you have to fight. Hugs are definitely one of those things.

As I have been recovering this week I’ve been listening back to my notes on my current WIP (discussed in-depth in the post below, it's a literary piece with steampunk embellishments) I find that all of my experiences with sensory changes are playing into giving life to an assortment of unusual characters. Something to be gained from it all, after all, perhaps. If nothing else, I'm driven to tell you guys- do appreciate your senses as much as possible- they truly are a gift.

Speaking of a gift for the senses- I have to thank Janice Phelps Williams (yes again) for introducing me via Facebook to the photography of Kim Austin. Mr. Austin is brilliant, and his work is absolutely breathtaking.

This picture, posted here with his kind permission- introduced me to the Jacaranda tree- and I am in love with it. Seeing this image I was even inspired to write the following:

Lovely, lonely, lavender rain,
above, around, beneath,
spent Jacaranda petals fall...
silk slippers for my feet.

This photograph actually made me cry- the colors are so vivid to me, without UV filtration on my eyes they're indescribable.

So check it out- and look for Kim on Facebook, where he often treats us to gorgeous new photos. You can purchase his photographs as prints and other items at RedBubble here (you know how rarely I plug people here- so you know I really love these photos.) I can’t wait to try- also with Kim’s blessing- to use the inspiration I feel from this picture for a painting. Will post the result if it turns out at all!

Back to the couch for me (who am I kidding, I never left it. . .) to finish my latest little surgical recovery. Hugs to all and thanks to everyone for their messages of support- much cheer has been brought my way.

Oh and DO NOT MISS the update on Dot the dog! He’s HOME from the hospital and recovering from his double hip replacement! Please still do help out if you can…and thanks to everyone who has.

xo
~ bru