What Have I Done... and Thoughts on Publishing

First of all, if you've ever wondered how I felt when I went blind and then regained limited use of my vision, I've put the two blog posts I originally wrote back in 2010 concerning that very subject up on my brand new Blog Archives page. Just click on the tab at the top of this blog and it'll take you there.

I've also added two of the posts I think speak best as to what my experience has been, as a writer and as a human being, struggling with Bipolar 1 and other disorders.

Now, under the heading of 'What The Hell Have I Done?!?'...there have been moments since I took those 500+ past posts from this blog offline that I felt sheer panic. 'What did I do,' I asked myself. 'I've wiped out six plus years of blogging history... my writing journey... my publishing experience, and so many more personal posts, all gone. Washed away like a sand castle at high tide. Just, poof.'

Then I took a breath and realized that what I've done is allow the tide to wash away the weight I've been carrying by having those archives out there in the world, telling so much of my life story in such great detail.

Maybe I've learned to keep things closer to the vest now. Or it could just be too hard to look back on some of the things that were that are no more (losing my publisher because it went under still hurts... a lot. I don't know if the sting will ever completely go away...)

There were perhaps some posts in there that could be of help to people, but they were so lost in among so many no one would ever find them. 

So perhaps it's time for me to rethink how I use this space and decide anew how much of myself I'm putting out there and where. Twitter is a great outlet for me, too, I 'micro-blog' there I guess you could say... but again, not as much as I used to.

Maybe I'm returning to my hermit ways now that I'm not obligated to be promoting my writing? 

Maybe my writing will become less a public thing than it's been the last five or six years and go back to being something I do just for myself? 

I know I certainly don't intend to get back on the publishing merry-go-round again. It was dizzying, and as much as I loved having my books available to purchase, the experience did make me feel a little bit sick overall.

Maybe that's the point I'm trying to make today as I wander through the tangled thoughts in my head: that there were things I wish someone had told me about publishing before I was published, and maybe I can, in time, share some of those here so they might help someone else. 

Or maybe I just need to remind myself of the greatest lesson I learned during my experiences, and that could be of help to someone else out there who wonders if they have got what it takes to be published:

You very well might. 

The question I should have asked myself was, was I sure I really wanted it? The business of publishing, I mean, and all that came with it?

I don't know if I'd have made different decisions if I knew then what I know now. Maybe I'd at least have felt more prepared for the highs and lows that came with the ride.

I think, in the end, it was a ride worth taking, because as relieved as I was when it came to a stop I also felt an unspeakable loss... a void created that I have yet to figure out how to fill.

It's a complicated business, the industry of writing and selling stories. A totally separate animal from creating worlds and writing those stories down. Once they become a commodity, the whole scheme of things changes. A very difficult path.

It is most certainly, I know now, not the right path for everyone. Whether it is right for you or not only you can tell in the end, but at least knowing that there are others out there who have struggled with the details of the business once they were in it might help you feel less alone with your worries and doubts.

That's all for today. I hope your writing is going well...and that you are happy in your heart of hearts, this day.

xoxo

-bru

New Name, New Look, Fresh Start

"She was born wearing wallflower petals." ~ F.G. 

New blog title: Confessions Of A Lifelong Wallflower

Origin of the title: I was called a wallflower for the first time at the age of twelve, by an adult passing by as I sat by the sidelines at a wedding watching everyone else dance. Granted, I had a broken foot at the time so I couldn't dance even if I'd wanted to but still, I was puzzled by the term because I hadn't heard it before.

After I looked it up, I realized that it fit me like a glove.

I've always been on the outside of the crowd looking in. My writing/publishing experiences felt no different, neither does life now as I battle my daily chronic conditions (which are many) and see the world through surgically altered eyes and glasses thicker than you can imagine.

I am a wallflower, but I'm not ashamed of it now. I'm an INFJ, an introvert, and that is who I will always be.

I see a lot from my vantage point in the corner, though yes, I will confess there have been times when I've been asked to dance. 

I've had my Cinderella moments in life, I must say, and they play in my memory now like an old familiar song; urging me onward through the current battle I'm waging against my own brain to find words to write fiction again.

NaNoWriMo is coming. 

And I'm debating.

Is it wise to try to pressure myself to write 50K words of fiction in November, while still adjusting to a new med tweak and just after marking the one year anniversary of my Dad's death, which happens next week?

Should I go rogue and write poetry, flash fiction, anything and everything I can think of instead of trying another novel?

Should I forget that it's November and just go on about the business of life, or should I just sit down at the keyboard on November 1st, start typing and see what happens? I've never been one for outlining much, anyway, and I'm no longer concerned with writing anything anyone else will ever read. This is something I would be doing just for myself.

The question is, do I really want to?

I'll be pondering that over the next ten days... and then deciding whether I'm all in, or all out, for NaNo '16.

In the meantime... I hope you all have a lovely weekend.

xoxo

~bru

Cleaning House

Hi all,

Well, I've gone through and retired some 500+ posts from this blog... because this is starting to feel like a home left unattended for too long. The rubbish piles up, too much to sort through and before you know it, you're a hoarder of words and you can't breathe in the environment anymore.

This blog needs a fresh outlook and so do I. So it will be under construction for some time to come, likely, as I go through and re-publish posts that really spoke to me (like the story of how I lost all and then regained some of my vision.) and hopefully add things here and there.

I doubt anyone went looking back through the archives anyway, and most of my experiences now are in the past... my publishing journey especially) hopefully writing will still be in my future, so I'd like to think between that and goings on in life I'll find something of interest to post here.

Mostly I just need to do the housecleaning so I can feel at home here again.

I am sure those of you who have been blogging a long time can understand (I started this blog in what, 2010 I think? Long time, lots of ground covered.)

Time to demo this fixer-upper.

Please stay tuned... and thanks for being here all this time. I appreciate all of you.

xoxo

bru

P.S. PLEASE forgive me if you're subscribed by email to this blog and accidentally got a post out of order or two tonight. I hit the wrong buttons... all my fault. I promise it won't keep happening. So very sorry.